I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
