im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
