i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
