Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
