she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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