Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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