just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Even my vagina gasped.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
