Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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