you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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