biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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