I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
