there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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