Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
