Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
