would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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