dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
