The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
