I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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