If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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