Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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