Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
