Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
