my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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