She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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