this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
