Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
