alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
