And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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