o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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