A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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