Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
