I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
