u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
