just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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