so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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