Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
