just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
