FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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