During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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