My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
