Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Randomize
