And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
