Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
