You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
