I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
