Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
