Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
