Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
