im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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