Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
