You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
