I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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