she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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