Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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