I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
