just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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