I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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