I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize