Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize