Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize