I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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