There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
