return my video game
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
