oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
