You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
