I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
