we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
