glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize